#11 -- "We Built This City" -- Starship

#12 -- "I've Never Been To Me" -- Charlene

#13 -- "I Would Do Anything For Love..." -- Meat Loaf

#14 -- "Ice Ice Baby" -- Vanilla Ice

#15 -- "My Humps" -- Black Eyed Peas

#16 -- "U Can't Touch This" -- MC Hammer

#17 -- "Cum On Feel The Noize" -- Quiet Riot

#18 -- "Trapped in the Closet" -- R. Kelly

#19 -- "How You Remind Me" -- Nickelback

#20 -- "Seasons In The Sun" -- Terry Jacks

And now, the top twenty...

Hope you've enjoyed the countdown so far. I'm a little behind on pithy comments -- probably won't get to them until next week. Feel free to add your own in the comments section -- I may steal them and call them my own. That's right -- EVIL!

(BTW, if you haven't purchased your Halloween tickets yet, you probably should. Click here!)

#21 -- "Mmmbop" -- Hanson

#22 -- "Hollaback Girl" -- Gwen Stefani

#23 -- "Thong Song" -- Sisqo

#24 -- "Hangin' Tough" -- NKOTB

#25 -- "Barbie Girl" -- Aqua

#26 -- "Thriller" -- Michael Jackson

Year: 1984
Chart Position: #4
Last year's Worst Songs position: unranked

Not much to say here. Michael Jackson, werewolves, Vincent Price, and that creepy dance. It's not the worst Jacko song out there ("PYT" is way worse) but the votes are the votes, so there you go. The above video, where Filipino prisoners recreate the Thriller dance sequence, is god-damn priceless.

#27 -- "Macarena" -- Los Del Rios

Year: 1996
Chart Position: #1
Last year's Worst Songs position: #20

Dancing is fun. Group dancing is funner. Simplistic repetitive group dancing is funnest! The Macarena is for those who believe the Hokey Pokey is a bit complicated, and the Electric Slide is just plain wrong. Made popular on cruise ships and resorts, the Macarena became a sensation at weddings, bachelorette parties, bar mitzvahs and any other occasion when doing the arm gestures to "YMCA" might be inappropriate. For all the weddings we've played over the years, we've never played the Macarena. There is a God.

Fun Fact: Los Del Rios -- the duo of Antonio Romeo Monge and Rafael Ruiz -- were well-known folk singers in Spain before "The Macarena" vaulted them to stardom.

#28 -- "Tubthumping" -- Chumbawumba

Year: 1997
Chart Position: #6
Last year's Worst Songs position: unranked

The anarcho-punk, nine-piece Chumbawamba endured the cries of “sellout” when they signed to EMI in 1997 – particularly when they had recorded a song for a compilation called "Fuck EMI" nine years earlier. (I suppose its easier to fuck EMI if you're in bed with them.) The resulting album was Tubthumper, a politically-charged dance record featuring their only hit, the title track.

"Tubthumping" (the term refers to politicians giving long-winded speeches) was a call to arms for British youth. The song subtly suggests that "pissing the night away" with alcohol and nostalgia was just going to get you knocked down by your oppressors. It's got a beat, and you can overthrow your government to it!

Unfortunately, the song was co-opted by the American masses as a fun drinking song (with a dirty word in it! yeah!) placing it along side “Born in the USA” and “The Future’s So Bright I Gotta Wear Shades” as one of the more misunderstood pop songs of the last twenty-five years. And yeah, the repeated "I get knocked down but I get up again" phrase annoyed the hell out of us -- but like any good political rallying cry, we remember it years later.

Fun Fact: In protest of the “We are the World”-type all-star charity recordings, Chumbawamba released an album in 1986 titled Pictures of Starving Children Sell Records.

#29 -- "Baby I'm A Want You" -- Bread

Year: 1972
Chart Position: #3
Last year's Worst Songs position: unranked

While growing up my mother wouldn't let us kids eat white bread -- you know, that kind of soft, bleached bread-like substance that you could moisten, roll up into a ball and use as some sort of mondo spit wad? My mom knew it had no nutritional value and in the end left the eater empty and longing for something real and hearty.

Bread the band was like that. Formed in 1968 -- one can only presume as a musical come-down for trippin' hippies -- Bread first hit #1 with 1970's "Make it With You," the sappiest, wimpiest come-on in the history of rock. (The soft rock era had been ushered in officially the week before, as the Carpenters' "Close to You" had topped the charts.) Singer David Gates whined in his whispery tenor about rainbows, dreams and, if he played his creepy cards right, making it. With you. Really, girl.

Audiences bought this crap like so many pre-sliced loafs of Wonder. "Baby I'm-a Want You" was Bread's fourth Top Ten hit, and like all that preceded it, continued to de-ball the male rock singer persona with unnerving amounts of treacle. Now, I'm for sensitivity and understanding and all that crapola, but c'mon. Lyrics, please:

Used to be my life was just emotions
Passing by
Then you came along
You made me laugh
You made me cry
You taught me why...

Why what? Why I should sing in an abnormally high voice? Why my songs should be banished to elevators and hold music? Why my prom date has fallen asleep while slow dancing to this song? Why I'm not getting any tail until 1979?

Fun Fact: Bread named themselves after a bread truck they saw outside their window. Other possible names were Fire Hydrant, Dog Walker and Pizza Delivery Guy.

#30 -- "Rico Suave" -- Gerardo

Year: 1991
Chart Position: #7
Last year's Worst Songs position: unranked

Ecuadorian-born Gerardo Meija bounced around the film industry (most notable appearance: the teen movie Can’t Buy Me Love) before making his mark as the world’s first Spanglish rapper. With his Menudo-cute looks and washboard abs, Gerardo was an instant hit on MTV. “Rico” was a disturbing piece of male pig-headed bravado with some of rap’s most arrhythmic lines. “Would you rather have me lie/take a piece of your pie and say bye/or be honest and rub your thighs?” I’m thinking, Gerardo. Don’t rush me.

Fun Fact: Gerardo is still out there – he’s a record executive for Interscope and the man responsible for unleashing Enrique Iglesias on the US. Um…thanks?

#31 -- "She's Like the Wind" -- Patrick Swayze

Year: 1987
Chart Position: #3
Last year's Worst Songs position: unranked

The original Dirty Dancer himself, Swayze had his one and only hit from the soundtrack. I’ve never been able to figure out of comparing a girl to “the wind” is a compliment or not. “Hey girl – has anyone ever told you that you are totally like the wind?” Someone’s getting some Swayze action tonight. Aw yeah.

The bigger puzzle is the song itself -- for a song on a soundtrack to a movie about the Sixties, it sounds very 1987. Not that "I've Had the Time of My Life" or "Hungry Eyes" rang true either -- all three songs could have found their way onto the Starship Knee Deep in the Hoopla album: weak synth-laden ballads that disintegrate before the first chorus. Lucky for us, Swayze never had another hit.

Fun Fact: I'm Crayze for Swayze!

#33 -- "Fergalicious" -- Fergie

Year: 2006
Chart Position: #2
Last year's Worst Songs position: unranked

Ferige (born Stacy Ferguson) is an artist whose Worst Song stature is on the rise -- she received votes this year for her participation in the Black Eyed Peas' hit "My Humps" as well as her own solo efforts, "London Bridge" and "Fergalicious." Watch out, Britney -- there's a new sheriff in town.

The story of "Fergalicious" is simple: My name is Fergie, the boys all desire me 'cause I work out, I'm tasty (or, as rapper will.i.am spells out in the song, "t-a-s-t-e-y") and delicious, but I'm not a slut (sorta.) Captivating stuff, made more compelling by Fergie's delivery -- a nasal, flat drone that makes her sound like a bored telemarketer. If you're going to claim that you "make them boys crazy," you might want to at least sound sort of sensual.

Fun Fact: Fergie has appeared twice as the voice of Sally, Charlie Brown's sister, in the animated feature It's Flashbeagle, Charlie Brown and the short Snoopy's Getting Married, Charlie Brown. Good grief!

#34 -- "Having My Baby" -- Paul Anka

Year: 1975
Chart Position: #1
Last year's Worst Songs position: #50

Right smack dab in the middle of the sexual revolution, former teen idol Paul Anka recorded "(You're) Having My Baby," and promptly set sexual politics back about fifty years. We've always known Anka was square -- he wrote both the Kodak jingle "Times of Your Life" and "My Way" -- but this song makes Pat Boone look hardcore. His vision of love is straight from the Eisenhower Era: it's all about making babies. Of course, it being 1975, Anka had to get his digs in to the Roe v. Wade crowd: "Didn't have to keep it/Wouldn't put you through it/Could have swept it from your life/But you wouldn't do it." Love means never having to say "Where's the nearest Planned Parenthood?"

Fun Fact: Anka also wrote the theme to the Tonight Show -- we'll give him props for that.

#35 -- "Oops! I Did It Again" -- Britney Spears

Year: 2000
Chart Position: #9
Last year's Worst Songs position:#18

Poor Britney. That's really all one can say. In 2000, she was the It girl -- setting fashion trends, dating Justin Timberlake, selling out concerts, publicly admired and desired. Seven short years later, she's radioactive -- her latest debacle, "Gimme More," hit #3 due to morbid curiosity and has since disappeared from radio.

With all that's happened to her, she could have maybe weathered the storm if she had created a musical catalog worth a damn. Alas, Spears only gathered four top ten hits in her brief tenure at the top. "Oops" was her second after her breakout hit "...Baby One More Time" -- it's not surprising that her handlers (in this case, producer/songwriter/bubblegum manufacturer Max Martin) kept her on the "Baby" track by making "Oops" a nearly identical song: the loping bass line, the interval lift in the chorus, the slight growl in her voice, the mock innocence. Her arrested musical development doomed Britney to become nothing more than gossip fodder and eye candy. Here's hoping that Britney's inevitable dark 'personal' record comes on soon -- she could use the musical therapy.

Fun Fact: Max Martin also wrote huge hits for The Backstreet Boys ("I Want it That Way") and, in a break from the teenybopper world, Bon Jovi ("It's My Life.")

#36 - "A Horse With No Name" -- America

Year: 1972
Chart Position: #1
Last year's Worst Songs position: unranked

"For there ain't no one for to give you no pain." 'Nuff said.


Fun Fact: According to liner notes, America took their name while listening to an American jukebox while living in London.

#37 -- "Africa" -- Toto

Year: 1982
Chart Position: #1
Last year's Worst Songs position: #9

A Top Ten Worst Song from last year, "Africa" was Toto's sole #1 hit in the States. Essentially a love song set near Mt. Kilimanjaro (which I'm pretty sure is not pronounced "kiliman-jairo"), "Africa" tells the story of a man so in love with a woman that wild dogs nor one hundred men nor blessed rains will keep him away from her. Set to faux-Steely Dan studio pop, "Africa" delights in its oddness -- a stumbly metaphor that doubles as a safari travel brochure.

Fun Fact: "Africa" was recorded using two singers -- keyboardist David Paich sings the verses, while frontman Bobby Kimball wails on the chorus.

#38 -- "Hip To Be Square" -- Huey Lewis and the News

Year: 1986
Chart Position: #3
Last year's Worst Songs position: unranked

No, it's not.


Fun Fact: The above clip is from American Psycho -- Christian Bale kills while listening to Huey. I think you can use that as a defense in a court of law. "Your Honor, I admit chopping up those people, but c'mon -- I was listening to 'Stuck On You'." "Case dismissed!"

#39 -- "Heartbeat" -- Don Johnson

Year: 1986
Chart Position: #5
Last year's Worst Songs position: unranked

Sometimes I feel guilty -- if it wasn't for polls like this, some terrible songs would just die a silent death. Instead, every Worst Song list resurrects these tortured tunes like some mad scientist raising the undead. Did you think you were God? Did you?

"Heartbeat" is a song that seems to have been recorded specifically to make Worst Songs list. It's got an actor-turn-singer (Don Johnson); a cheesy guitar hero widdling all over the song (Dweezil Zappa); production values that could only belong to 1986 (like track lighting and day-glo) and super-important lyrics that Johnson huffs out like he's auditioning for the female lead on All My Children:

I don't care what you say
You can give it away
Your money don't mean much to me
I've been out on my own
Gonna go it alone now

You go, Don! Look for that heartbeat!

Fun Fact: Johnson should have been a one-hit wonder, but alas -- he had another hit in 1988 with then-girlfriend Barbra Streisand called "'Till I Love You."

#40 -- "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk" -- Trace Adkins

Year: 2005
Chart Position: #30
Last year's Worst Songs position: unranked

Sometimes I feel truly blessed -- this year, I don't have to sing "Afternoon Delight," I don't have to write about "Kokomo" and -- thank you -- I only have to reference the term "badonkadonk" in this entry. Such a gift.

For those readers unfamiliar, the term “badonkadonk” (I hate typing it as much as you hate reading it) is an onomatopoetic reference to the movement of a lady’s ample rear end while walking or dancing. Adkins, a top Country artist, broke into mainstream pop radio by co-opting the hip-hop term for his first and only crossover hit. Sample lyric: “We hate to see her go/but we love to watch her leave/with that honky tonk badonkadonk/keepin’ perfect rhythm/make ya wanna swing along/like Donkey Kong.”

Fun Fact: a former oil rig worker, Adkins is missing part of a finger. OK, maybe that's not really "fun"...

#41 -- "You Shook Me All Night Long" -- AC/DC

Year: 1980
Chart Position: #35
Last year's Worst Songs position: nope

I'm gonna have to call bullshit on this one. This song rocks. Rocks. I'm hoping people voted for this solely because they wanted to hear us play it. If that's the case, I can understand. If not, I am truly puzzled. Click the video above, crank up your speakers and rock the fuck out.

Fun Fact: I was told in elementary school that AC/DC stood for Anti-Christian Devil Cult. I was also told that Rush stood for Radicals Under Satan's Hand and Manilow stood for Minions Are Nihilists in League with Ogres and Warlocks! Vacation Bible School was fun!

#42 -- "Steal My Sunshine" -- LEN

Year: 1999
Chart Position: #9
Last year's Worst Songs position: unranked

Toronto's LEN is the brother/sister duo of Mark and Sharon Costanzo, and "Steal My Sunshine" was their only hit in the US. It is the ultimate late 90s jam -- safe and nonsensical, perfect for mallrats and innocuous enough for malls (and soundtracks -- it's appeared on soundtracks for Go, Hot Chick and Cheaper By the Dozen.) About the only thing cool about it is that they sample the Andrea True Connection's 1977 disco hit "More More More," and Andrea True was a porn star. That's pretty cool. Otherwise, it's inane lyrics ("now the fuzzy stare from not being there on a confusing morning week/impaired my tribal lunar-speak") over a soft hip-hop-ish beat. Still -- Andrea True was a porn star. Kinda neat.

Fun Fact: Andrea True was a porn star -- she now works in Florida as a counselor.

#43 -- "From a Distance" -- Bette Midler

Year: 1990
Chart Position: #2
Last year's Worst Songs position: unranked

First, God only knew. Then, God was one of us. And now, at number 43: God as Peeping Tom.

Songwriter Julie Gold wrote "From a Distance" in 1985 (recorded first by Nanci Griffiths in 1987) but it wasn't until Bette Midler's maudlin recording that the song took off. It won Song of the Year at the 1991 Grammys and became a favorite of Gulf War soldiers. Personally, I think this song could have been used in a Noriega-style music attack on Saddam Hussein, playing it day and night until he surrendered, but maybe I'm just too cynical.

Many interpretations abound: the "distance" is Heaven, from which God watches us and everything is perfect. Or -- that God Himself is distant, watching us humans mess up but not getting involved. Or -- more cynical even -- that perfection is always at a distance, that we can keep moving towards it but it's always just right over there..

Whew. There. That's the most I ever want to think about this insipid inspirational ballad. Bring on the Falco!

Fun Fact: Julie Gold was working as a secretary at HBO when she penned this song.

#44 -- "You Light Up My Life" -- Debby Boone

Year: 1977
Chart Position: #1
Last year's Worst Songs position: #22

“You Light Up My Life” has made our Worst Song list every year and has hit the top 10 three times. It was also the #1 song of the 70s, staying on top of the chart for 10 weeks. Oh, and it also won an Oscar for Best Song. Not bad for the only hit for the daughter of wonder-bread-rocker Pat Boone. She never had another hit – concentrating instead on raising her family and recording children’s albums.

Fun Fact: In the movie Didi Conn (of Grease fame) lip-syncs the song, but it isn’t Debby singing. The voice in the film belongs to Kacey Cisyk, a little-known actress who plays a bridesmaid in the film. According to Kacey, she was never paid for singing, was never listed in the movie credits, and on the soundtrack album is listed as a “background singer.”

#45 -- "Mr Roboto" -- Styx

Year: 1983
Chart Position: #3
Last year's Worst Songs position: #14


Rock and rollers are a paranoid bunch. They realize that without rock music, most rock stars would revert to what they were in high school: music department geeks with little social skills, seeking revenge on their bettors by becoming famous. (I'm speaking from experience here.) So the worst possible future they can imagine -- aside from one where they get a day job and Battlestar Galactica goes off the air -- is one where rock and roll is outlawed! You know, by The Man!

This paranoia reached its apex in 1983 with Kilroy is Here, Styx's inane rock musical about a near future where the Moral Musical Majority has banned rock music; it's only hope and savior is Robert Orin Charles Kilroy (yes, that spells ROCK) a former rock musician who...well, I don't want to spoil the plot, but rock and roll is saved in the end. Long live rock! It's a storyline ripped from some kid's Pee-Chee in 1974.

Dennis DeYoung -- Styx's lead singer and the ultimate band-geek-turned-rock-star -- plays Kilroy in the musical, his vibrato-laden tenor straight from choir practice. I've always thought of DeYoung as an American Freddie Mercury, with one big difference: Mercury could rock. DeYoung always sounds like he's auditioning for A Chorus Line. In "Mr. Roboto," Kilroy has escaped from prison dressed as a Roboto guard. "You're wondering who I am," sings DeYoung. No, we know who you are -- you'd be doing Broadway if you knew how to dance.

The song itself is silliness defined -- from the moment DeYoung exclaims "I am the mod-ren man!" you know the song has nowhere to go but Kitschville. Tommy Shaw and the rest of Styx try to keep the song anchored in semi-rock, but DeYoung's theatrics overtake the proceedings completely. By the time he announces "I'm Kilroy! Kilroy! Kilroy!" we're heading for the theater lobby, hoping that Tommy is playing across the street.

Fun Fact: "This comes very close to rock theater, and that's very exciting for us. I feel like we've earned a lot of credibility over the past few years. We don't want to squander it. We want to build on it." -- Dennis DeYoung, 1983.

#46 -- "Rock Me Amadeus" -- Falco

Year: 1986
Chart Position: #1
Last year's Worst Songs position: #41

This is the first former #1 Worst Song in this year's countdown, and I have to admit I'm always a little surprised that this song doesn't rank higher on a regular basis. Probably because listeners over the last twenty years have been frantically trying to remove "Amadeus" from their brains. If you have any tips on how to do this, please pass them along.

Historically, rock music has been about distancing itself from classical (Chuck Berry's "Roll Over Beethoven" is the archetype) -- in the case of Austrian-born Falco, he wants to equate Mozart with rock and roll. It's not the worst anaolgy -- Mozart was known to be somewhat of a L'enfant terrible. Of course, being Falco, his attempt at analogy is clumsy at best, conjuring up both Johnny Rotten and Johnny B. Goode in the same verse:

He was the first punk ever to set foot on this earth
He was a genius from the day of his birth
He could play the piano like a ring and a bell


The last line is a weird paraphrase of Berry's "Johnny B. Goode": "He could play the guitar just like ringing a bell." You see, ringing a bell is easy and effortless -- unlike listening to this song.

Fun Fact: Win a bar bet with this one -- Falco is not a "one-hit wonder." He had a follow-up hit with "Vienna Calling."

#47 -- "My Heart Will Go On" - Celine Dion

Year: 1997
Chart Position: #1
Last year's Worst Songs position: #27

And on and on and on. I get nervous every year this former top ten Worst Song starts amassing votes. The minute I hear that damn penny whistle at the beginning of this wretched ballad I’m ready to take a hostage. Is it me, or does this song go on longer than the actual Titanic movie?

Lots of reasons to hate this baby, but much of it rests on the lovely and talented Celine Dion. Dion was blessed with strong pipes but without a lick of musical sensitivity. She makes Mariah Carey sound demure. Even her sotto voce veers into histrionics. Just sing the damn song, Celine. By the end, you're wishing for the iceberg.

Fun Fact: Celine Dion is insane.

#48 -- "Cotton Eye Joe" -- Rednex

Year: 2005
Chart Position: #25
Last year's Worst Songs position: did not chart

Rednex is Sweden's greatest Euro-Techno-Pop-Country band. OK, they might be the only ones, but still...

In 1995 three Swedish producers teamed up to record the first Rednex album, Sex and Violins. This monumental album produced OK I can't do it -- this just sucks. SUCKS. Take a perfectly good folk song and drown it in a house beat I can find on any Casio. No originality, no soul, just wall-to-wall suck. See if you can make it through this songs without punching your laptop.

Fun Facts: Rednex is still around. God help us.

#49 - "Honey" -- Bobby Golsdboro

Year: 1968
Chart Position: #1
Last year's Worst Songs position: did not chart

This year's chart started with some sap and from the looks of it the sap keeps flowing like "Honey," a song about a man remembering his dead wife. However, his recollections lead the listener to believe that 'Honey" may have been a little...er...slow:

She was always young at heart
Kinda dumb and kinda smart
And I loved her so

"Kinda dumb?" I don't care if she passed away or not -- I know women who would come back to life just to slap you for calling them "kinda dumb." Zombie slapped! I supposed our protagonist thought tacking on "and I loved her so" at the end of calling her a moron would help smooth things out.

And that's how the song goes -- the girl does silly stuff -- crashes a car, plants a tree, chokes a puppy (I'm not sure about that last one) -- and the boy responds first dismissively ("what the heck") and then with some sort of remorse ("Honey I miss you.") There's a bipolar thing going on that's more than a little creepy.

Goldsboro had a string of similar pop hits ("Watching Scotty Grow" and the quizzically-titled "Me Japanese Boy I Love You") before crossing over to the country charts. He's semi-retired now -- although next year you can check out the "Art of Bobby Goldsboro" in Orlando.

Fun Fact: “Honey” was written by Bobby Russell, a country songwriting legend whose other songs include “He Ain’t Heavy – He’s My Brother” and “The Nights Went Out in Georgia” – the latter for his then-wife Vicki Lawrence.

#50 -- "You're Beautiful" -- James Blunt

Year: 2005
Chart Position: #1
Last year's Worst Songs position: did not chart

Ex-British soldier Blunt recorded this #1 international smash under the supervision of Linda Perry. You know Linda -- she's the singer in 4 Non Blondes. You know 4 Non Blondes -- they're that group that did that screechy "Hey-yeah-yeah-yeah-I-said-hey-what's-going-on" song in the 90s. (For the record, it's called "What's Up" -- and I think we'll be covering it somewhere on this countdown.) So it's no surprise that "You're Beautiful" is simple-minded, repetitive and ultimately annoying -- so annoying that The Sun in the UK just named it the most annoying song of all time. Hard to disagree.

Fun Fact: The Sun also reports that "You're Beautiful" has become the most popular wedding song in the UK. Yeah -- nothing's more romantic than this lyric:

Yeah, she caught my eye
As we walked on by
She could see from my face I was fucking high.

Perfect wedding song -- if your groom-to-be is an ex-junkie you met while he was panhandling outside your store. Spare change? Cigarette? Hand in marriage?

Voting is over!

Put your pencils down. Great job voting everyone. We'll start the countdown Monday morning. Woo hoo!

Last day to vote!

This is it -- the polls close at 5pm tonight. If you haven't voted yet, this is our last chance. Click here and do your worst.

(And enjoy this voting music -- 1975's "Run Joey Run" by David Geddes.)

Almost Forgotten Gems: "Once You Understand"

OK, so all those votes for Fergie and Britney and Starship and Meat Loaf are all well and good, but it's good to remember that we're not just going for the annoying, or the trite, or even the "I'm-so-sick-of-hearing-that-song" category -- we're looking for the Worst Songs Ever.

Take this song, recorded by Think in 1971. "Once You Understand" is a series of short, preachy generational gap sketches (square parents versus whiny teens on such subjects as haircuts, curfews and...gasp!...being in a rock band) performed over an endless loop of the lyric "things'll get a little easier/once you understand" (sung by what sounds like the "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing" folks.) This was a bona fide Top 40 hit, folks. You think they let crap on the radio now? We don't got nothin' on the 70s.

Enjoy -- and good luck getting that lyric out of your head.

Bubbling Under #3

Last one --

#11 -- "Ice Ice Baby" -- Vanilla Ice
#12 -- "Five Hundred Miles (I'm Gonna Be)" -- The Proclaimers
#13 -- "U Can't Touch This" -- MC Hammer
#14 -- "I'm Too Sexy" -- Right Said Fred
#15 -- "Come Sail Away" -- Styx
#16 -- "How You Remind Me" -- Nickelback
#17 -- "Money for Nothing" -- Dire Straits
#18 -- "Thong Song" -- Sisqo
#19 -- "Mickey" -- Toni Basil
#20 -- "Hangin' Tough" -- NKOTB

Vote here!

Signs Your Song Might Suck...

We don’t always recognize “suck” right away. In 1979, for example, I remember when The Knack burst onto the scene. In a pop music landscape over-run by disco, MOR rock, ballads and other soft-headed offerings, “My Sharona” was fucking amazing. I remember getting chills up my spine when the opening drum beat blasted through my orange transistor radio. It sounded alive, raw, animalistic – everything radio wasn’t at the time. People Magazine compared them to early Led Zeppelin – everyone else thought they were the next coming of the Beatles.

And then we heard the phrase “m-m-m-my Sharona” for the one millionth time and that was it – what had been great now sucked. There has never been a backlash like Knack backlash – their pop stardom was over before it began. By the time their second album, But the Little Girls Understand, and its’ “Sharona” knock-off single “Baby Talks Dirty” (that’s right – they were ripping themselves off by the second record) The Knack were a rock-and-roll laughingstock.

Over-saturation can sully any pop song, but there are other tell-tale signs that your song might suck:

* What’s In a Name – Suck can begin early, right at the title. You can’t possibly call your song “Muskrat Love” and expect greatness. Other doomed-from-the-title songs include “I Wanna Sex You Up,” “Disco Duck,” and “Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm.”

* Surf’s Up on Premise Beach – Yes, you may like big butts and are unable or unwilling to lie about it; yes, your milkshake might have the ability to bring boys into your yard; and yes, somebody perhaps left your cake out in the rain at MacArthur Park – but that doesn’t mean we have to spend three-and-a-half minutes (or in the case of “MacArthur Park,” an eternity) hearing about it.

* Repeating Repetitive Repetitions – Hammering a title or phrase into a listener’s head will plant it in their brain, but they’ll resent ya for it. If I can go the rest of my life without hearing the words “love shack” or “I’m too sexy” I’ll be just fine. Also -- the following artists need to retire these words:

Paul McCartney -- love

Prince -- sexy

Liz Phair -- any references to oral sex (it's a wonderful crutch)

Black Eyed Peas -- humps and/or lumps

T-Pain -- shawty

James Blunt -- beautiful

Robert Plant -- baby

Britney Spears -- baby (sounds like this might be done by court order)

Snoop Dogg -- Snoop Dogg (no spelling it either)

* Longer Ain’t Better – All those fine folk who died during the Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald had one thing going for them: they didn’t have to listen to Gordon Lightfoot drone on and on about it. Same goes with Buddy Holly, the Big Bopper and Richie Valens – sure they died young, but they died without having to sit through “American Pie.” Speaking of which…

* You’re Depressing Me – What’s with the death songs? In addition the songs mentioned above, we’d like to add the countless teen death songs of the 50s and 60s (“Last Kiss,” “Teen Angel”) the “I-hate-myself-and-want-to-die” angst songs (“At Seventeen,” the current emo crop) etc. Isn’t rock supposed to be fun?

* Lyrical Inanity – If you’re not going to bother having your lyrics make sense, do what they did in the 1950s: make up nonsensical “shimmy shimmy ko ko pop” words. That way, we don’t have to puzzle over gems like “Torn between the pages and were pressed like love’s hot fevered iron on a stri-ped pair of pants” ("MacArthur Park") or “New Kids on the Block had a bunch of hits/Chinese food makes me sick” ("Summer Girls"). Bonus points for songs that are lists ("We Didn't Start the Fire") and songs that are unintelligible ("Informer" -- a licky boom boom down, indeed.)

* Hands Solo – If your guitar solo or drum solo or (heaven forbid) bass solo is longer than the rest of the song, you’re no longer rocking – you’re masturbating.

Any rules that I missed?

Top 40 Votegetters (So Far)

Five days of voting left, and it's kind of been a strange year. Lots of activity, but no one song cruising to a victory. Only a few votes separate#1 and #40 -- it's truly anyone's game.

Here are the top 40 vote-getters as of this morning in alphabetical order:

"Barbie Girl" -- Aqua
"Broken Wings" -- Mister Mister
"Caribbean Queen" -- Billy Ocean
"Come Sail Away" -- Styx
"Convoy" -- CW McCall
"Cum On Feel the Noize" -- Quiet Riot
"Don't Worry Be Happy" -- Bobby McFerrin
"Everybody Have Fun Tonight" -- Wang Chung
"Five Hundred Miles (I'm Gonna Be)" -- The Proclaimers
"Hangin' Tough" -- NKOTB
"Hip to Be Square" -- Huey Lewis and the News
"Hollaback Girl" -- Gwen Stefani
"Honky Tonk Badonkadonk" -- Trace Adkins
"Horse With No Name" -- America
"How You Remind Me" -- Nickelback
"I Ran" -- A Flock of Seagulls
"I Touch Myself" -- Divinyls
"Ice Ice Baby" -- Vanilla Ice
"I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)" -- Meat Loaf
"I'm Too Sexy" -- Right Said Fred
"Informer" -- Snow
"London Bridge" -- Fergie
"Love Shack" -- B-52s
"Mickey" -- Toni Basil
"Mmmmbop" -- Hanson
"Money for Nothing" -- Dire Straits
"My Heart Will Go On" -- Celine Dion
"My Humps" -- Black Eyed Peas
"Oh Sherry" -- Steve Perry
"Oops I Did it Again" -- Britney Spears
"Raindrops Keep Fallin' On My Head" -- BJ Thomas
"Seasons in the Sun" -- Terry Jacks
"Sexyback" -- Justin Timberlake
"Thong Song" -- Sisqo
"Thriller" -- Michael Jackson
"Trapped in the Closet" -- R. Kelly
"U Can't Touch This" -- MC Hammer
"We Built This City" -- Starship
"Wind Beneath My Wings" -- Bette Midler
"Young Girl" -- Gary Puckett and Union Gap

Bubbling Under #2

As the voting gets hotter and heavier, we're starting to see some major movement in the top ten -- songs that were bubbling under are now in, songs that were in last week have dropped out, and a few songs have come from out of nowhere to challenge for the Top Ten. Excitement, danger, romance and adventure.

Bubbling Under

#11 -- "Don't Worry Be Happy" -- Bobby McFerrin
#12 -- "I'm Too Sexy" -- Right Said Fred
#13 -- "London Bridge" -- Fergie
#14 -- "Love Shack" -- B-52s
#15 -- "Money for Nothing" -- Dire Straits
#16 -- "My Heart Will Go On" -- Celine Dion
#17 -- "Oh Sherry" -- Steve Perry
#18 -- "Seasons in the Sun" -- Terry Jacks
#19 -- "The Thong Song" -- Sisqo
#20 -- "Wind Beneath My Wings" -- Bette Midler

10 days until the end of voting. Vote now!

Why do we love bad music?

Here’s a conversation I had yesterday – some friends were talking about the Worst Song of All Time Poll (and if you haven’t voted yet, click here now) and we started tossing around song titles. For every song title we threw out there, somebody would say this:

“No! I love that song! That’s a great song!”

This was said about such awful classics as “We Built This City,” “Escape (The Pina Colada Song),” “Hangin’ Tough” and even – no lie – “Seasons in the Sun.” Seasons in the fucking sun. So there we were – five grown adults with supposedly good taste defending Terry Jacks and Starship with zeal and passion. It was a great Bad Song Brawl.

It strikes me every year that the songs people hate the most are also some of the songs people love the most. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the songs that top our Worst Song list every year also happen to be huge hits. The four songs mentioned above all went to #1 in the US. All four have stood the test of time and are remembered to this day. How do these terrible songs do this? What’s their secret? Can they be destroyed?

I’ve got theories on this:

THEORY #1 – OVER-SATURATION

A decent pop song can be deemed “bad” if it’s overplayed and over-heard. Songs that hit the top of the charts got to the top partly because of airplay, so they run the risk of over-saturation. For example, Britney Spears’ “…Baby One More Time” has made our Top Ten Worst Songs list in the past – but after learning the song and playing it, we decided as a band that it wasn’t really that bad of a song. Of course, if we hear that song on the radio one more time we might take a hostage.

THEORY #2 – SUPERIORITY COMPLEX

People have an affinity for the awful. Bad music, bad movies, bad novels, bad television etc. – we enjoy hating. It gives us a feeling of superiority; we are able to judge correctly, much in the same way we judge something that is good. It’s why we watch American Idol -- there's something satisfying and addicting about using your own 'good' taste to cast stones down on the offenders. Of course, in doing so, we run the risk of elevating these offenders to fame and fortune (hello, Sanjaya.)

THEORY #3 – YIN AND YANG

The bad song and the good song strike similar emotional responses in the listener. “Wow, this rocks” and “Wow, this sucks” are twin sons of different mothers. The pop song is written to elicit a strong response and whether the passion is for or against almost doesn’t matter. Love it or hate it -- as long as you buy it.

THEORY #4 – PEOPLE ARE MASOCHISTS

People are masochists.

Theory #4 has a lot of appeal. Feel free to share yours. And if you can defend “Seasons in the Sun,” do your worst.

Bubbling Under...

I don't know if Billboard still does this, but they used to have a chart called"Bubbling Under" -- a list of songs that had not quite made the Hot 100. In this spirit, we have the list of the songs just out of our Top Ten right now. It's early, and this list will change -- if you see your favorite Worst Song on the Bubbling Under list, you might want to make a vote or two...

Bubbling Under

#11 -- "Trapped in the Closet" -- R. Kelly
#12 -- "I Ran" -- A Flock of Seagulls
#13 -- "Cum On Feel the Noize" -- Quiet Riot
#14 -- "I'm Too Sexy" -- Right Said Fred
#15 -- "...Baby One More Time" -- Britney Spears
#16 -- "Bad" -- Michael Jackson
#17 -- "Sexyback" -- Justin Timberlake
#18 -- "U Can't Touch This" -- MC Hammer
#19 -- "Mmmbop" -- Hanson
#20 -- "Seasons in the Sun" -- Terry Jacks

Notes: R. Kelly made a strong run last year at the top ten, so I'm not surprised he's up so high...We've received a lot of votes for various Britney songs -- maybe we should pool them together and do a medley...Quiet Riot has already surpassed its entire 12 year vote total -- apparently metal health will drive you mad...And I'm a little surprised at the Timberlake votes -- I thought he was cool now...I'm never surprised by the perennial appearances by Hanson, Jacks and Right Said Fred -- three songs that have made our Top Ten in years past...

We'll post the Bubbling Under list every Tuesday until voting ends...

This is why we do this...

The video above is for "Life is a Rock (But the Radio Rolled Me)" -- a #8 from 1974 for the band Reunion. It's bloody awful -- and it received a couple of votes last week for Worst Song.

Here's the thing -- I've never heard this song before in my life. I thought maybe watching the video and hearing the song would jog a memory or two (the fact it's from '74 isn't a consideration -- I've got a pretty good memory for songs as old or older than I am.) But nothing. Nada. Zip. This was the first time hearing this song. And that's why we do this.

Now -- don't vote for it anymore. I can't possibly sing that fast.


Fun Fact: the singer for Reunion is Joey Levine, who also sang lead on the Ohio Express bubblegum hit "Yummy Yummy Yummy" -- and, if that wasn't cool enough, was the inspiration for Joey Ramone's name. Rock on.

First Day Results

No, we won't be giving day-to-day tallies (we want the top ten to be something of a surprise, y'know?) but I always like to give a first day report, just to show which way the wind is blowing.

1. "Five Hundred Miles (I'm Gonna Be)" -- The Proclaimers
2. "True" -- Spandau Ballet
3. "I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)" -- Meat Loaf
4. "The Best of Times" -- Styx
5. "Don't Worry Be Happy" -- Bobby McFerrin
6. "Hip to Be Square" -- Huey Lewis and the News
7. "Bad" -- Michael Jackson
8. "Invisible" -- Clay Aiken
9. "Oh Sherry" -- Steve Perry
10. "My Humps" -- Black Eyed Peas

44 songs have already received one vote. We're well on our way...

And the first vote has been cast...

"Convoy" -- CW McCall. It's the early leader -- with one vote.

VOTING HAS BEGUN!

And we're off to the races:

DMQ's Worst Song Voting Page

1. You may enter as often as you want (we do keep an eye on “Chicago-style” ballot stuffing, so be crafty.)
2. Songs can be from any era, any genre.
3. When possible, please put the name of the song and the artist.
4. One lucky voter will receive TWO FREE PASSES to our Halloween show on Saturday, October 27th at the Tractor in Seattle. Only entries with full names and verifiable e-mail addresses will be eligible to win the free passes.
5. Voting ends Friday, October 5^th.

That's it for now. Get crack-a-lackin'.

#1 -- "Kokomo" -- The Beach Boys

#2 -- "I Want Your Sex" -- George Michael

(1987, #2)

We now know better. George Michael -- that stubbly dandy with those short shorts, white gloves, shiny earrings, moussed-up hair etc. -- is gay. And that's OK -- we understand why he hid it. Why shatter your standing with your predominantly female audience?

The affront here isn't the front Michael put on -- it's that he used this song to do it (hypocrisy is fine with me as long as the music's good.) "I Want Your Sex" -- with it's racy-yet-SFW video -- was his homage to monogamous sex during the heart of the AIDS crisis. You can be with one person, the song wants to say, and still be sexy. An honorable goal, and you would think that Michael could put the goods on tape. Instead of something sexy and sensuous, we get a farting synth bass, a clutter of percussion, a cliche keyboard patch Prince had discarded around Controversy and Michael trying to sound rough and tumble...

There's things that you guess
And things that you know
There's boys you can trust
And girls that you don't

Not sure what means -- maybe Michael will explain...

There's little things you hide
And little things that you show
Sometimes you think you're gonna get it
But you don't and that's just the way it goes

Hmmm. Guess not. Michael keeps it nice and vague until he launches his platitude salvo in a sing-songy voice right out of a playground game of "Red Rover."

Sex is natural
Sex is good
Not everybody does it
But everybody should
Sex is natural
Sex is fun
Sex is best when it's...

(And here Michael finally goes through puberty)

One...on...One!

Oh, I see. Michael gives the nice, vague soft sale, then gets down to business, only to pull the rug out at the end -- yes, it's sensual and habitual (?) and natural -- but only with a single partner. Like a wife, or husband, or boyfriend or, I don't know, the guy in the next stall. Isn't it romantic?


Fun Fact: On American Top 40, radio host Casey Kasem refused to say the title on the air. He would announce the artist -- and then play the song.

#4 -- "Ghostbusters" - Ray Parker Jr

#5 -- "My Sharona" -- The Knack

#6 -- "Time of the Season" -- The Zombies

#7 -- "Material Girl" -- Madonna

(1985, #2)

(Imagine a meeting between songwriter Peter Brown ("Do You Wanna Get Funky With Me?") and the driving members behind uber-disco masterminds Chic, including producer Nile Rodgers, guitarist Bernard Edwards and drummer Tony Thompson, responsible for such grooves as "Le Freak," "Good Times" and "Dance Dance Dance.")

Peter: Hey Nile, got your call, what's up?

Nile: Thanks for coming, Peter. Listen -- we've got this hot new singer, she's burning up the dance charts and she needs a hot song. Really hot. A song that'll define her for years...

Peter: No problem -- we'll write up somethin' smokin' for her, like a Cheryl Lynn jam or maybe a Donna Summer...

Bernard: Wait a second. Nile, you didn't tell him the girl was white, did you?

Nile scratches his head and stares at the ground. Peter Brown punches him in the eye.


And with that, these four masters of funk wrote and recorded the tracks for "Material Girl," a dance song with absolutely no funk to it. Straight, square, on-the-beat and mechanical, "Material's" tracks sound like they were programmed on a Commodore 64 by a young, masturbating Paul Allen. Madonna's patented nasal squawk ("Some boys hug me, some boys kiss me, I think that's OK") doesn't help matters. Overall, the song sounds like what would come out of a toy doll after you pull the string on the back ("I am a material girl! Math is hard!")

Fun Fact: Reportedly, Madonna hates the fact that she was labeled "The Material Girl" for many years. Hey, it's not like you were going to get your nickname from "Like a Virgin..."

#8 -- "Blame it on the Rain" - Milli Vanilli

(1989, #1)

We're not going to recount the tragicomic career of Milli Vanilli. We'll just say this -- for those who actually did the singing and playing on "Blame it on the Rain," is that something you really want to take credit for? I'd be leaving this one of the ol' resume...

Producer: So, you're a studio singer. What have you done that I would know?
Singer: You've heard of Milli Vanilli?
Producer: Get out. (Throws cell phone at singer's head.)

Fun Fact: "Blame" was written by Diane Warren, the pen behind such massive hits as Starship's "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now," Chicago's "Look Away" and pretty much anything by Celine Dion.

#9 -- "Africa" -- Toto

(1982, #1)

Some bands were born to be mild. Toto is one of those bands. Their members played with artists that read like a Who's Who of 70s MOR rock/pop -- Seals and Croft! Steely Dan! Boz Scaggs! Sonny and frickin' Cher! Safe and slick, Toto was best described by Rolling Stone critic David Fricke: "Every bit as bland as its name, Toto neither excites nor offends. In rock & roll, that's definitely the dreariest sin."

All sins aside, Toto was huge for about 3 years, climaxing with their 1982 album Toto IV (even their album titles bore) which launched two massive hits: "Rosanna" and "Africa." The latter, a love song to...someone...um...well, maybe the lyrics have some clues:

The wild dogs cry out in the night
As they grow restless longing for some solitary company
I know that I must do what's right
As sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti
I seek to cure what's deep inside, frightened of this thing that I've become...

Forget for a moment that singer David Paich pronounces the mountain "Kilimanjairo" -- what does this all mean? Is this a guy on safari who misses his woman? What exactly is "solitary company?" And when he gets to the chorus and sings, "I bless the rains down in Africa" my brain is left in the fetal position. It's all imagery and no substance.

So, of course, it goes straight to #1. And Toto, for their troubles, win six Grammys that year. That'll make your wild dogs cry out in the night.

Fun Fact: Toto is Latin for "all encompassing."

#10 -- "Pour Some Sugar on Me" -- Def Leppard

(1988, #2)

Take a throwaway Joe Elliot guitar riff and a throwaway line from the Archie's "Sugar Sugar," add some 80s patented synth drums, stadium reverb and vaguely sexual lyrics, put the whole package in ripped jeans and bleached hair, and...voila! You have "Pour Some Sugar on Me," Def Leppard's bombastic smash hit that still has life in commercials, ringtones and karaoke bars everywhere.

I know this is hard to believe, but "Sugar" was an afterthought for Def Leppard's 1988 album Hysteria. Producer Robert "Mutt" Lange (best known for marrying Shania Twain and recording songs until they cry 'uncle') needed a stadium rocker for the album -- something that the boys could bang their heads to but also appeal to the five women in the audience. From this basic rock necessity, "Sugar" was born -- and recorded in two weeks, which for Lange is like recording it live.

The music might be head-bangin', but the lyrics are head-shakin':

Listen, red light, yellow light, green light go
Crazy little woman in a one man show
Mirror queen, mannequin, rhythm of love
Sweet dream, saccharine, loosen up...

I like the rhyming scheme here most -- the way Elliot sings it, "saccharine" could rhyme with "margarine" or "tangerine" or "aubergine." Any of those words would have made as much sense -- although, I get it, saccharine is a substitute for sugar, much like "Sugar" is a substitute for rock.

Fun Fact: On their first attempt at recording Hysteria, the Leppards brought in noted bad composer/musician/producer/Meat Loaf enabler Jim Steinman to helm the project. Showing a moment of good taste and judgment, Mr. Steinman was let go.

Last Year's Top Ten Worst Songs Ever

I'm posting 2006's Worst Songs of All Time. A little something to whet your bad song appetite. Do not play these songs while attempting to seduce a lover, win an argument, or eat. Drinking is suggested. Enjoy!

Voting page...

...is right here. Goes live on September 4th.

A little history

This all started with Halloween.

The Dudley Manlove Quartet played their first Halloween show in 1995 at Moe's (now Neumo's) on Capitol Hill in Seattle. We wore Lone Ranger masks and sang as many Halloween-ish songs we could think of. That included "The Monster Mash," a bossa nova version of "Bela Lugosi's Dead" and the theme from "The Blob." And that was it.

After the show, we were brainstorming the subject of "scary songs." David Bowie's "Scary Monsters and Super Creeps" came up -- not a bad suggestion. Out of nowhere, one of our intrepid band-mates (and memory has lost which one) said, "You know what's really scary?"

"Muskrat Love."

He was referring to the Captain and Tennille hit (1976, #4) and he was right. Anybody can be musically creepy on purpose. Alice Cooper ain't scary. Marilyn Manson, nah. Fucking muskrats? That'll haunt your days.

And that's where the idea was born: have our fans vote for what they think are the worst songs of all time -- any era, any genre, any artist. They'd vote for a month on our website, and the band would learn the top ten worst songs and play those songs at our Halloween show. So that's what we did.

The response was overwhelming. Some people really get off on this subject. Either they have been assaulted by these songs and want a little payback, or they want to exorcise their musical demons -- namely the ones found in their record collection. Sure they can vote for "We Built This City" now, but they know that somewhere in a box lies their vinyl copy of Knee Deep in the Hoopla.

Voting starts September 4th and goes all the way through to the end of the month. Watch this blog for updates, teases, false starts, clues and other leading and misleading information.

Cheers!