(1985, #2)
(Imagine a meeting between songwriter Peter Brown ("Do You Wanna Get Funky With Me?") and the driving members behind uber-disco masterminds Chic, including producer Nile Rodgers, guitarist Bernard Edwards and drummer Tony Thompson, responsible for such grooves as "Le Freak," "Good Times" and "Dance Dance Dance.")
Peter: Hey Nile, got your call, what's up?
Nile: Thanks for coming, Peter. Listen -- we've got this hot new singer, she's burning up the dance charts and she needs a hot song. Really hot. A song that'll define her for years...
Peter: No problem -- we'll write up somethin' smokin' for her, like a Cheryl Lynn jam or maybe a Donna Summer...
Bernard: Wait a second. Nile, you didn't tell him the girl was white, did you?
Nile scratches his head and stares at the ground. Peter Brown punches him in the eye.
And with that, these four masters of funk wrote and recorded the tracks for "Material Girl," a dance song with absolutely no funk to it. Straight, square, on-the-beat and mechanical, "Material's" tracks sound like they were programmed on a Commodore 64 by a young, masturbating Paul Allen. Madonna's patented nasal squawk ("Some boys hug me, some boys kiss me, I think that's OK") doesn't help matters. Overall, the song sounds like what would come out of a toy doll after you pull the string on the back ("I am a material girl! Math is hard!")
Fun Fact: Reportedly, Madonna hates the fact that she was labeled "The Material Girl" for many years. Hey, it's not like you were going to get your nickname from "Like a Virgin..."
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